Shadows of Change

Writer's Block: My Favorite Neighborhood Business

2009-10-12T19:37:38Z

What is it about your favorite local small business that keeps you coming back again and again?

Sponsored by American Express in association with NBC Universal for Shine A Light .

I adore The Penguin Bookshop in Sewickley:

http://www.penguinbookshop.com/

A couple years ago the Penguin Bookshop wasn't much (though it's been around for 80 years). It was one tiny level that carried almost nothing. Then the owners sold it to a local wealthy couple who closed it for about a year and reopened last year.

It's freakin amazing. It's TWO levels and they carry so many different kinds of books and new releases. It's almost as great as Barnes and Noble and I love the fact that it is only 5 minutes away. Their YA section isn't huge BUT they carry the latest YA books so I am usually able to find whatever I'm looking for. If not, they order the book for you and it comes in pretty fast. I love being able to drive only 5 minutes away to pick up a book. It's also right across the street from Starbucks, but word has it that they're looking into installing their own coffee section.

When I first walked in after the renovation, I was floored. I didn't want to leave. It's spacious and colorful and comfortable. I love it. :)

Also, "The Penguin Bookshop is the first green independent bookstore in the country." :)

expressionsofme @ 2009-08-26T21:07:00

2009-08-27T01:07:57Z

Okay, my goal is to move by September 12th so I can get the Dish Network or Direct TV so that I can finally have BBC America and can watch the premier of season 3 of Robin Hood. Seriously, lol

Forget Robin Hood.

Gisborne = yummy, haha - yeah I know, he killed Marian but hey, these things happen. :P

expressionsofme @ 2009-08-21T18:20:00

2009-08-21T22:21:39Z

I guess I should give you some backstory first before telling you about the recent issue between my sister and me.

Firs, let me just say that my sister, who is older (38) was diagnosed a couple years ago with depression and bi polar. Perhaps that explains some of her behavior and someone who knows about that stuff can clue me in.

My sister (Beth) has been married for about 4 years to Rob. I never thought these two should get married. Neither are saved, first of all, and Rob has a lot of unresolved issues in regards to a really screwy family. For example, he lies about everything. He'll eat at 6 and say he ate at 5….really stupid stuff which I think has to do with his upbringing and always afraid to tell the truth to his dad who he is still trying to get approval from. His father is a big racist and one time, a nun had a heart attack at the wheel and died…her car crashed into Rob's car. He was okay, but his dad flipped out at him over getting into an accident (like it was his fault or something). Rob has never been as racist as his father but he would always say random junk like, "that guy Jewed me out" and once he didn't get a job because at the interview he said something racist about someone…and it turns out the interviewer was friends with the guy Rob made the joke about.

Rob is actually a very nice guy, but has some obvious issues esp. with his self esteem. He even threatened to kill himself if Beth left him (this was before they were married).

Beth has an entire history of making bad choices, from smoking ot and getting drunk in her teens to one bad relationship after another. Rob is actually the nicest guy she's been with. Her last fiancé was a controlling jerk.

So, after 7 years of dating, they got married and I knew they were getting married for all the wrong reasons.

Now Beth is miserable and saving up money to divorce him. She'll complain about his lying and act like it's a surprise but she has also told me about all these lies he told her before they got married (and that she found out about BEFORE they got married). She has complained about how, from day one, he spent more time going around the neighborhood and meeting the neighbors than he did working on their house. I'll ask her why she married him and she's like, "oh he talked about how he couldn't wait to get married and create a home with me. He said he couldn't wait to remodel our house." Well…if he was such a liar, why did she believe that?

She and Rob have also never had sex (at least not as a married couple…see, I know way too much about their marriage). For a long time Rob refused to seek counseling (cause men don't do that, apparently) until Beth said she was leaving him. Now that he wants to see counseling, Beth has said "go for you, don't go for me because it's too late."

She has even made fun of Rob's sexual issues in public, which I think is horrific. You just don't do that to someone else….and I can see the immense hurt on his face when she does it and she thinks it’s funny.

She has a tendency to flip out over the smallest thing. Nobody can joke with her anymore because she'll cause a scene over it and act like you're making fun of her or something. Sometimes I don't want to be around her because I walk on egg shells, never sure if she'll be in a good mood or bad mood,

Beth has told me a lot about her issues and even when she asks what I think, she never wants to hear what I have to say. On a few occasions she'll say stuff like, "fine, I won't bother you anymore" and then wants nothing to do with me (until I pretty come crawling back, asking for her forgiveness)

This past March our mom died suddenly, at home. I am 33 and have lived at home my whole life and was there when the whole thing went down. She had a heart attack, but it wasn't quick like in the movies. Her eyes were rolling around, she was breathing fun, she was rambling on about stuff….it was bad and nothing I ever want to experience again. I still feel guilt over it because she hadn't been feeling well for 2 days. She thought it was just the flu. I wish that I had called someone then and had her checked out. But hankfully she knew the Lord.

So now I am taking care of the house and trying to figure out what to do because I can't afford the $2,000 in property taxes and it's falling apart so nobody in their right mind would want to buy this place. I'm stressed enough as it is when then my sister gets this idea of us getting an apartment together.

I didn't like that idea at all. First, she is married and I feel like she was trying to use my situation now to get out of her house with Rob (because she can't afford to be on her own). I also felt like I would be enabling a divorce that I don't agree with. She says she doesn't love him, that he would be a nice buddy, and that there has to be someone else out there for her (a soulmate)…and that he annoys her (what husband doesn't annoy his wife? Lol). He isn't abusive or anything and all these issues she now has problems with were there long before they got married.

She is also hard to live with, with her wacky mood swings and she can be controlling herself sometimes. Plus, she has a cat and I have a dog who don't get a long at all. Being roommates would not be a good thing.

This brings me to this week. She asked if she could come stay at the house for a bit "because I can't take it anymore" and she wanted to clear her head and save up some money so she could move out on her own.

I told her she could, even though I didn't really like the idea because living with her is not easy. I currently work two jobs. I get ONE day off every 13 days so I'm already stressed and was afraid of what living with her would be like esp. since she was bringing her cat too.

On Facebook, a friend of hers asked me on my Wall, if Beth left Facebook because she isn’t listed on her friends list anymore. I had no idea although my sister had been quiet in some time.

Beth messaged me on Facebook and told me to not tell any of her friends that she was still on there. She said she removed everyone but me from her list. She said Rob has been going around asking her friends if she is seeing anyone (not sure why that meant having to take her friends off her Facebook). I messaged her back…and here is where I think I messed up.

I said that if she is seeing anyone, to not tell me about it because the less I know, the better. I didn't mean t accuse her or anything, BUT she had her tubes tied recently. If she and Rob aren't having sex and she doesn't care to anymore, why would she need to do that? I also told her not to tell me because of the past and how she has a history of bad choices. She constantly seems to think I should agree with her or support her because I'm her sister and she gets MAD when I don't. So I don't really want to know if she is doing something I am dead set against, because in the past, Rob has asked me questions about what's going on with her and I am tired of lying. I would rather just not know as much as I do know. I know the Bible says to carry each others burdens, but I also think that when you find yourself at work, crying on every single break, because you're so stressed and worried about what your sister is doing to herself with all of her bad decisions, and you're stressed about seeing her so miserable in a situation that could have been prevented, it becomes a bit much to deal with.

I didn't want her to get married, as I said, but I was told to mind my own business, I was just jealous and of course I'm single, so what do I know?

She flipped out when I told her not to tell me if she is having an affair. She said that she is married and while she is miserable, she would not do that. Then she ended it with, "But don't worry, because I won't bother you anymore" and then took me off her Facebook account.

I sent her a long email afterward, apologizing for jmp to conclusions and trying to explain to her my concerns and worries about the decisions she's making. I explained to her that I love her and I am praying for her, but I also tried to explain to her that I have been stressed out lately too….probably shouldn't have done that because in the past when I try to tell her what I am going through, she calls me selfish. Guess I'm supposed to listen to her but she can't hear me out?

She has cried to me before and told me that she wishes we were closer. She has even said that when I am stressed out, to let her know. HUH? She doesn't seem to understand or realize that I HAVE tried to get close to her, but it's hard when she takes everything I say the wrong way. She's even hung up on me before and told me she is done with me.

I also explained the lov of God to her in my email. I have never witnessed to her. EVER. She thinks she's a Christian because she believes in God and she says she has read the Bible and prayed, but I don't think she sticks with it or tries to apply it to her life. When my mom would ask her if she has gotten out of the house, away from Rob, and just prayed, she would be like, "yeah" and shrug her shoulders as if to say "but that didn't work." I mean, her favorite band is a group called Disturbed. I'd be depressed too if I filledmy head with that junk, She made Rob drive her 8 hours to another state to see them. That’s another thing…she pushes him around and I think she does it because she knows he doesn't want her to leave so she figures that if he wants her to stay, he can do what she says and what she wants….and he does.

Anyway, I told her that she and Rob need to put a third person in their marriage – GOD – because as long as either one of them keep trying to do things their way, they'll never be happy. I also explained that I care about Rob too and won't take sides. Instead, I pray fr the both of them. I'm afraid that she wants me to always take her side because I am her sister but how do you do that when you see that they BOTH have contributed to the demise of this marriage? I explained that seeing her make so many bad choices worries me and it's not that I don't want to be bothered. I want to hear what she is going through, but I feel like I can never disagree with her and I told her that if she is doing something that is against my convictions, I don't want to know in case Rob starts asking me again what's up – I'm tired of lying and saying "nothing." I explained to her that I feel like I can never be honest with her and that I am expected to agree with what she is doing.

My mouth gets me in trouble a lot, even in emails. And every time I have emailed her after a blow up before, it made things worse. I can never seem to say the right thing to her. I don’t dare tell her I don't want to be roommates with her because I feel like that would be enabling her to leave her husband. She asked me once, in regards to why she wants out, "If you were married and not having sex, wouldn't you think that's a problem?" and I said yes and that I would hope my husband would seek help and she laughed and said, "Rob said he would….but I don't care anymore."

UGH! I feel like she wanted me to say "yeah, I'd leave my husband too over that" but I couldn't…because I wouldn't. She just kinda rolled her eyes at me.

So…what do I do now? Did I just screw up my relationship wth my sister? What could I have done differently? Am I wrong in not wanting to live in an apartment with her? Am I wrong for not wanting to know if she is doing things I morally disagree with?

I am so scared of what kind of reply I will get back. I NEVER know what to say to her because she calls me selfish or thinks I am holier than thou or she gets an attitude. I'm tired of being asked what I think about something only to be told, "well, you're not married so you don't understand." Ugh…then why ask??? Every time I talk to her, she pts Rob down. She says he's stupid and she wanted to marry a smart man, like our dad (who passed in 2000). Okay, granted, when he asked me who Anne Frank was, I knew he wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but they dated for SEVEN years. If you go that long without an intellectually stimulating conversation…if you know the guy does not read books and has only visited the library in college to pick up girls…how can you then complain about how you wanted to marry a smart guy?

I'm tired of her putting him down though. I know she's my sister but it pains me to hear her say these things about her husband even though he has issues too.

Does her Bi Polar disorder cause her to make such bad decisions? Is that what causes her to flip out, even over minor issues?

And her depression - Now, don't get me wrong, I know depression is a medical issue BUT I also can't help but think that much of her depression has been caused by YEARS of bad, immoral choices. I'd be depressed too if I had one jerk of a boyfriend after another and married someone I shouldn't have. Even growing up she would lie to my parents (esp.about guys) and talk back to them because she wanted to do her own thing. She can't seem to be without a man. Another reason I don't want to be her roomie is because of that – I am so scared of her bringing another random jerk into our lives. I don't want to live in an apartment with someone who does that. She has said to me that she is done with guys and that she wouldn't jump back into a relationship but actions speak louder than words. She has said that in the past, only to then find out she is dating another loser.

Rob is probably the nicest guy she has ever dated, even with all of his issues. He did a lot for my parents and loved being around them because his own parents are messed up. He LOVED coming over and shooting the breeze with my dad. My dad had given him $10 for something and Rob STILL has it, 9 years later. He won't dare spend it but keeps it to remember my father. So he isn't a bad guy…even Beth has said that….but she just isn't in love with him. She says she married him because she figured she had already been with him for 7 years so why throw it away? Guess she didn't think about what marriage would actually be like.

But I am at my wits ends. I am trying to be understanding, but never say the right thing and sometimes being around her scares me because I don't know what to expect from her. I hear these horror stories in the news about one person killing another and then saying that it's because they have Bi Polar and weren't thinking clearly. I'm afraid of really upsetting her so much that she will either kill herself (she has been in the hospital for suicidal thoughts…and Rob never left her side) or that she'll do something to me.

Even if she doesn't flip out, her "jokes" about Rob are insulting. Do I tell her that? What if she flips out at me for taking his side?

I am in the middle of another 13 day work week and really don't need this added stress. Maybe I am blaming myself too much, but I feel like I am constantly messing things up with my sister. I don't want to sound holier than thou or selfish. I just want someone to hear me too and I want to take on her burdens without being an enabler or looking like I am approving of her choices. How do you listen to what someone else is going through without making it sound like you approve of what theyre doing/saying, if you don't? If you see someone making bad decisions their whole life, shouldn't you eventually say something?

Writer's Block: Left Behind

2009-01-31T15:25:54Z

What do you want done with your body after you die?

Submitted By crunch_crunch

View 501 Answers

I don't care as long as you don't make me a part of The Body exhibit.

Writer's Block: Under the Same Sign

2008-12-20T23:36:42Z

Today is chockfull of celebrity birthdays—Brad Pitt, Keith Richards, Christina Aguilera, and more. What celebrities do you share your birthday with? Do you find any similarities between you and those who share your birthday?

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Charles Manson

And....no

LMAO

Writer's Block: Now Showing

2008-12-20T16:09:56Z

The holiday season is a big time for box office revenues. What Hollywood releases are you looking forward to seeing in the theater this month? What would you not go see even if someone paid you?

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I'm seeing Valkyrie on Christmas Day. I get too excited every time I see the commercials. It's kinda ridiculous to get excited over seeing a WW2 movie on Christmas that doesn't even have a happy ending, but that's me, LOL

I also want to see Frost/Nixon, Gran Torino, Tale of Despereaux, Marley and Me and Revolutionary Road. Somehow though, I think Valkyrie is the only movie I'll get out to this month.

I can't think of anything that's coming out that looks so bad I wouldn't see it if you paid me. I'd probably see almost anything if you paid me, but it would also depend on how much you were paying, lol

Writer's Block: Gone but Not Forgotten

2008-12-04T23:00:13Z

Many beloved television shows are no longer with us, like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Six Feet Under, and Mystery Science Theater 3000. What defunct television show do you miss the most?

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I'll Fly Away (http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101124)

*sniffles* I wish they'd at least put it on DVD, like they do everything else. I absolutely LOVED that show. Awesome cast (gotta love pre-Law & Order Sam Waterston, heh), awesome story.

They put so much crap on DVD and yet they can't put a great show like that out there for people to buy? How dumb.

They say it's your birthday....

2008-11-12T22:56:18Z

So working at the library on my birthday wasn't so bad. Let's review....

First, there is this little old Russian lady, Miriam, who works there shelving books, DVD's, etc. Her husband comes in everyday to pick her up. He comes in and Tracy tells him it's my birthday. This is how our conversation went (and he speaks in a very thick Russian accent)...

HIM: "Oh...so you going to have wild party tonight?"
ME: (toss my hands up in the air, looks around the library) "This is my wild party."
HIM: (shaking his head) "If this is your wild party....then this is very bad."
ME AND TRACY: (laughing)
HIM: "I come back tomorrow to make sure you had wild party."

Then Miriam comes by the desk and wants to know what we're laughing about and he goes, "I'm just setting this lady straight in life."

LMAO. He cracks me up.

Then Blair, one of the YA librarians, withdrew a bunch of YA books and put them in the back so I ran back and got my first pick. I got a Frank Peretti book that I was going to buy. :) I also got two other books that looked interesting. The last time she withdrew a bunch of YA books, I wasn't working and by the time I got there two days later only three books were left.

Tracy's stalker came in and even he didn't annoy me. I actually spoke to him. Oh my...that could be bad, lol. Although, he had this huge red dot on his forehead, and Tracy and I wondered afterward, "what was THAT?" I so wanted to say to him, "What happened? Did Dick Cheney shoot you?" Hey, if he can crack political jokes then so can I! lol

Pat, our boss was talking to me about her daughter who is my age and has THREE Master's degrees and a PhD. Uh yeah, that won't be me, lol

But Pat was like, "You know, if you don't find anything in your field, you could always write those romance novels." LOL. She said her daughter's friend does that and it's very lucrative. At a recent high school reunion, everyone wanted her to sign their books, lol. Tracy was hysterical when I told her Pat said this to me. I don't know why. I mean, you can see me writing trashy romance novels, can't you?

LMAO.

Then at 4pm, Tracy goes, "wow, this day has been uneventful" and I said "Yeah, but we still have an hour, give it time." About 15 minutes later, it happened...

Blair starts yelling at and reprimanding this teen patron for something. I notice a guy watching them and I thought it was the girl's father, but it turned out it wasn't. He goes over to Blair and is like, "Yo, just give the girl a break" and Blair busts out at him with, "Sir, get away from here." And he's like, "I'm just looking at this book" (which was on her desk) and she's like, "No, get away..NOW!" and she's pointing and going off on him, lol. He comes over to Tracy and is like, "I wanna use the computers" and Mary Jean (who had witnessed him butting in to the Blair situation) was like, "Sir, you can use the computers over there" and he said something about Blair and Mary Jean (who already has a reputation for being an angry old lady) was like, "that's none of your business" and was arguing with him all the way to the computers. LOL. She comes back and tells Blair that she smelled alcohol on his breath and Blair said, "oh he's definitely on something." And he was. His hair was all a mess, he was walking kinda funny and acting all weird. I seriously think the man is medicated and I don't think it's a legal medication, LOL

I looked at Tracy and said "see...I told you...just give it time. " LOL

Finally, a cute guy came to the desk and yeah, we both swooned over him. Until he left and Tracy looked up his account...and saw he was born in 1990! We were both like, "Oh my gosh!" cause he looked older than that. Then as we discussed how old we were in 1990, we both said, in unison, "damn!" hehehe.

Oh, and Tracy even asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner (her treat) but I couldn't because I seriously need to write this stupid script for tomorrow and do a storyboard for a TV script. Blech. But it was so nice of her to ask!

...and that was my day at the library, on my birthday. :)

And thanks to all for the birthday wishes here and on Facebook. They are much appreciated! (((hugs)))

expressionsofme @ 2008-11-05T14:47:00

2008-11-05T19:55:18Z

I have a co-worker who is a McCain and Bush supporter and who is a Republican atheist (yes, they exist!)

I just had the friendliest exchange with her over on Facebook.

And THAT is what gives me hope for this country. :)

I actually work with two atheists....I've never even known one personally, let alone two at the same work place! LOL. Then there's Tracy who isn't an atheist but has major issues with religion because she was raised Catholic and adopted into a very screwy home (and that's all I know...that's one thing she won't get into). She tends to say stuff like "I already did my time in Jesus jail." Or, like she said about Ted Dekker's work: "I like the atmosphere he sets up but then it gets so...Jesus-y, and I already did my Roman Catholic time behind bars."

It's sad when people see faith as jail and not as the freedom that it truly is.

But praise God for allowing me to be a witness through my actions and not necessarily my words. And thank you Lord for giving me these people to pray for and helping me to hopefully show them that not all Christians are whack jobs, lol

I'm already fed up

2008-11-05T03:30:35Z

Yeah, I know, another post and it's a political rant, but who knows, maybe you'll agree....

I can already tell from Facebook statuses that people will not put their bitching aside. I already see McCain supporters talking about how horrible Obama is and how the people who voted for him are dumb. And if McCain was ahead, I know there would be Obama folks saying the same crap towards McCain supporters.

I wish people could understand what such negativity does to you, spiritually, mentally and physically. Like I have told others, I'd love to see people calm down after today and respect each other, but I can already see from Facebook statuses that ain't gonna happen and people will still bitch because their guy didn't get in.

THANK GOD that I trust God. I'd go crazy if my entire trust and faith was in a political candidate to make things right. I couldn't imagine being so negative about the other side all the time. I'd get depressed constantly bitching about how bad the president is. If everyone spent the same time praying for politicians that they do complaining about them, think of the mountains we'd move. :)

An example would be Bush. Can't stand the man but ya know what? I didn't spend the last 8 years harping on how awful he is. And when people in my family would do so, I'd cringe because even if I may agree with the complaints and while they may be justified, just hearing that negativity again and again and again drives me insane. It makes me almost as depressed as the issue your complaining about! That's why I won't listen to a lot of the local talk radio hosts who are very pro-Republican and anti-Obama. I know that there are liberal pundits too but not on KDKA which is what I usually have on (cause Marty Griffin ROCKS, heh) and when I have listened to liberal pundits on cable news, I still cringe.

Sometimes I'd agree with the pundits (conservative and liberal) BUT I still would feel depressed after hearing them because the name calling, the mocking, the constant complaining about how horrible they are and how they're dragging America down....WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO? Does it change things? And sometimes I swear people give too much credit to the President. He isn't as powerful as everyone would like to think he is. I could never be a talk show host who harps on politicians EVERY SINGLE DAY for THREE HOURS A DAY. My gosh, that has got to mess with your soul, lol

I just wish people could come together and try to support whoever does win (doesn't mean you have to support every decision they make) instead of dragging everyone down by not only complaining about the politician but by calling their supporters names and acting like the world is ending. If the world is going to end, it'll be because of the crap spewed out by political supporters and not because of the politician.

And for the record, I know that I have at times, been negative and snarky towards politicians, but I'm usually joking about it and not THAT angry...and if I complained everyday and treated their supporters like garbage, I'd be a very miserable woman.

Tomorrow will be a new day, we will have a new President, but my God is the same today and everyday and he's still the one in control. :)

And again, this is a must read for all:

My Journey from being a Reagan Republican to an Obama Democrat by Donald Miller (author of Blue Like Jazz)

A public post - cause it deserves it

2008-10-29T19:43:50Z

A new friend on my f-list (writerjenn) posted this and I think it's pretty awesome; plus, she doesn't single out any candidates so it's a lighthearted read as well....

One of the joys of living in a "swing state" like Pennsylvania is experiencing the Political Ad in its various forms. At this point, T minus one week, the ads have formed an airwave blanket so thick that actual programming breaks through only by accident.

On this blog, I haven't given my opinions of specific candidates or parties in the upcoming election, nor do I plan to today. (And for that reason, all my examples will be on the ludicrous side, to avoid any implied endorsements or put-downs of real candidates. Although politics can be so crazy, I may accidentally conjure up a real situation.)

Rather, I thought it would be fun to explore what these ads could teach us about writing from a structural point of view. There's one type of ad in particular that follows a formula we might find useful for story-telling. Here's how it goes:

1. The threat. Description of dark, scary, depressing situation. It could be a situation that exists now ("the country is being overrun by giant turnips!"), occurred in the past ("back when John Doe was Congressman/mayor/district attorney, the streets teemed with giant turnips!"), or will possibly occur in the future ("if we don't watch out, giant turnips could take over"). This part of the ad is often accompanied by ominous music, extremely dark visuals, unflattering photos of the opposing candidate, and frightening images (such as overambitious giant turnips). Sometimes newspaper headlines, showing opposing candidate John Doe caught in some scandal, fly across the screen. Sometimes average citizens tell the camera how miserable John Doe and his giant turnips have made/are making/will make their lives.

2. The turning point. But wait! We don't have to succumb to the giant turnips! There is another option! At this point, the ad's music changes abruptly.

3. The solution. Candidate Alpha appears, teeth gleaming, hair under rigid control. Inspiring montages show sunny skies, flowers waving in the breeze, houses with very green lawns, and Candidate Alpha shaking hands with smiling people. (Sometimes he's not shaking hands with them, but sitting at their kitchen table with his jacket off and sleeves rolled up, nodding sympathetically.) We discover that Candidate Alpha was born to humble beginnings, worked hard, and now ... gasp ... has the very plan we need to battle giant turnips! The music swells to a joyous climax.

A story could work this way--almost. (I'll get to the "almost" in a minute.) It's certainly viable to start a story with a threat or problem, with some setup for a conflict. Right away we have forward momentum, a reason to keep reading. And the turning point is necessary, too: the conflict must reach a resolution, unless you want your reader to fling your book at the wall.

I would diverge from this formula at the "solution" stage. That's because ads have a hard-sell quality that most readers find off-putting in stories. Few people like to get whacked over the head with a book's "message." Also, there's a predictability to the ad: as soon as we hear that John Doe is allied with the giant turnips, we know Candidate Alpha is going to save the day. In a story, the outcome should be in some doubt. For example: Is the threat really so bad after all, or is it a benefit in disguise? Will there be a surprise twist in which the supposed hero is really the bad guy? Or is the threat truly bad, but through some shortcoming of his own, the good guy fails to save the day? Or perhaps the good and bad guys team up for a greater purpose?

There are plenty of other things about this kind of ad to avoid in fiction--for example, the portrayal of one character as all good and the other as all evil--but I think I've wrung enough from this ad for now. It just goes to show that if I hear something 5000 times a day, I start to think about how I might relate it to writing. After all, these ads do tell a story, albeit a very short, simple one.

P.S. I have nothing against turnips. In fact, I like turnips.

The Last Lecture

2008-08-20T01:49:04Z

I just read The Last Lecture by Randy Pausch in one sitting and while it's an easy going read....

When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody's bothering to tell you anymore, that's a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you and want to make you better.

I was hugely impressed. Kirk, I mean, Shatner, was the ultimate example of a man who knew what he didn't know, was perfectly willing to admit it, and didn't want to leave until he understood. That's heroic to me. I wish every grad student had that attitude.

After Shatner learned of my diagnosis, he sent me a photo of himself as Kirk. On it he wrote, "I don't believe in the no-win scenario."

I did a lot of my winning out of view of my family. And I know that increased suspicions. But I didn't want anyone to know just how long it took me to be successful. Tenacity is a virtue, but it's not always crucial for everyone to observe how hard you work at something.

When I got my PhD in computer science from Carnegie Mellon, I thought that made me infinitely qualified to do anything, so I dashed off my letters of application to Walt Disney Imagineering. And they sent me some of the nicest go-to-hell letters I'd ever received. They said they had reviewed my application and they did not have "any positions which require your particular qualifications." Nothing? This is a company famous for hiring armies of people to sweep the streets! Disney had nothing for me? Not even a broom?

I ended up being able to take that sabbatical and it was a dream come true. In fact, I have a confession. This is exactly how geeky I am: Soon after I arrived in California, I hopped into my convertible and drove over to Imagineering headquarters. It was a hot summer night and I had the soundtrack to Disney's the Lion King blasting on my stereo. Tears actually bean streaming down my face as I drove past the building. Here I was, the grown-up version of that wide-eyed eight-year-old at Disneyland. I had finally arrived. I was an Imagineer.

One day Andy took me for a walk., He put his arm around me and said, "Randy, it's such a shame that people perceive you as being so arrogant because it's going to limit what you're going to be able to accomplish in life." Looking back, his wording, was so perfect. He was actually saying, "Randy, you're being a jerk." But he said it in a way that made me open to criticisms, to listening to my hero telling me something I needed to hear. There is an old expression, "a Dutch uncle," which refers to a person who gives you honest feedback. Few people bother doing that nowadays, so the expression has started to feel outdated, even obscure. (And the best part is that Andy is actually Dutch).

I've been lucky enough to benefit over the years from people like Andy, who have cared enough to tell me the tough-love things that I needed to hear.

I slowly and deliberately opened a can of soda, turned it over, and poured it on the cloth seats in the back of the convertible. My message: People are more important than things. A car, even a pristine gem like my convertible, was just a thing. I ended up being glad I'd spilled that soda because later in the weekend, little Chris got the flu and threw up all over the backseat. He didn't feel guilty. He was relieved; he had already watched me christen the car. He knew it would be OK.

The brick walls are there for a reason. They're not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to show us how badly we want something.

Okay, maybe this makes me quirky, but if your trashcan or wheelbarrow has a dent in it, you don't buy a new one. Maybe that's because we don't use trashcans or wheelbarrows to communicate our social status or identity to others. For Jai and me, our dented cars became a statement in our marriage. Not everything needs to be fixed.

Through the whole ordeal I don't think we ever said, "This isn’t fair." We just kept going. We recognized that there were things we could do that might help the outcome in positive ways…and we did them. Without saying it in words, our attitude was, "Let’s saddle up and ride."

"I used to be just like you," I said. "I was in denial. But I had a professor who showed he cared about me by smacking the truth into my head. And here is what makes me special: I listened." This student's eyes widened. "I admit it," I told him. "I'm a recovering jerk. And that gives me the moral authority to tell you that you can be a recovering jerk too."

Give yourself permission to dream. Fuel your kids' dreams, too. Once in a while, that might even mean letting them stay up past their bedtimes.

I'd take an earnest person over a hip person every time, because hip is short-tem. Earnest is long-term. Earnestness is highly underestimated. It comes from the core while hip is trying to impress you with the surface.

Too many people go through life complaining about their problems. I've always believed that if you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you'd be surprised by how well things can work out.

Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won't make us happier.

I've found that a substantial fraction of many people's days is spent worrying about what other people think of them. If nobody every worried about what was in other people's heads, we'd all be 33 percent more effective in our lives and on our jobs.

When you're frustrated with people, when they've made you angry, it may just be because you haven't given them enough time. In the end, people will show you their good side. Almost everybody has a good side. Just keep waiting. I will come out.

When it comes to men who are romantically interested in you, it's really simple. Just ignore everything they say and only pay attention to what they do.

During the most painful times of my treatment, Rocky was in inspiration because he reminded me: It's not hard you hit. It's how hard you get hit…and keep moving forward.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Failure is not just acceptable, it's often essential.

Showing gratitude is one of the simplest yet most powerful things humans can do for each other. And despite my love of efficiency, I think that thank-you notes are best done the old fashioned way, with pen and paper.

If you are a B+ student, your handwritten thank-you note will raise you at least a half letter grade in the eyes of a future boss or admissions officer. You will become an "A" to them. And because handwritten notes have gotten so rare, they will remember you.

Despite all that is going on in my life and with my medical care I still try to handwrite notes when it's important to do so. It's just the nice thing to do. And you never know what magic might happen after it arrives in someone's mailbox.

A lot of people want a short cut. I find the best shortcut is the long way, which is basically two words: work hard. As I see it, if you work more hours than somebody else, during those hours you learn more about your craft. That can make you more efficient, more able, even happier. Hard work is like compounded interest in the bank. The rewards build faster.

Go out and do for others what somebody did for you.

When you go into the wilderness, the only thing you can count on is what you take with you. And essentially, the wilderness is anywhere but your home or office. So take money. Bring your repair hit. Imagine wolves. Pack a light bulb. Be prepared.

Half hearted or insincere apologies are often worse than not apologizing at all because recipients find them insulting. A good apology is like an antibiotic; a bad apology is like rubbing salt in the wound.

No one wants to hear someone say, "I'm not good at sorting mail because the job is beneath me." No job should be beneath us. And if you can't (or won't) sort mail, where is the proof that you can do anything?

When it was time to graduate from Brown, it never occurred to be in a million years to go to graduate school. People in my family got an education and then got jobs, They didn't keep getting an education.

Brick walls are there for a reason. And once you get over them – even of someone has practically had to throw you over – it can be helpful to others to tell them how you did it.

I don't know how not to have fun. I'm dying and I'm having fun. And I'm going to keep having fun every day I have left. Because there's no other way to play it.

It can be a very disruptive thing for parents to have specific dreams for their kids. As a professor, I've seen many happy college freshman picking majors that are all wrong for them. Their parents have put them on a train, and too often, judging by the crying during my office hours, the result is a train wreck.

As I see it, a parent's job is to encourage kids to develop a joy for life and a great urge to follow their own dreams, The best we can do is to help them develop a personal set of tools for the task.

And if anyone has the time...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo

More quotes

2008-07-24T22:54:30Z

I have even more quotes! This time they mostly come from the chapter, I'm Fine With God, but I Can't Stand Christians Who Make Lousy Movies (my favorite chapter, I think, probably because I'm such a huge fan of the arts) and then there are a few from I'm Fine With God, but I Can't Stand Christians Who Don't Know What They Believe (still on that chapter).

"Christians need to stop expecting less than the best just because something carries a Christian label."

"But from the time drama came out of the cathedral and ended up in Hollywood, some Christians have had a difficult time with it. They like it only when it serves their own purposes and evangelical agenda."

"These Christians don't commend or denigrate a movie because of the film's craftsmanship, creativity or production values. Instead, they give it a thumbs up or down based on whether the film's theme is for or against their theological agenda. To them, it's all about the message; if it agrees with their position, the film is praiseworthy. If it contradicts their agenda, the film Is demonic."

"Perhaps the schlockmeisters of Christian flicks are indifferent to high production values because they are consciously or subconsciously jealous of Hollywood."

"Some Christians, with a disdain for all things Hollywood, assume a self-appointed role as societal cinematic censors. No one asked them to critique this moral high ground, but nonetheless, they choose to analyze, evaluate and rate motion pictures. Taking a position of moral sanitizers, they scrutinize films by counting the cuss words, tallying acts of violence and tabulating the boob sightings. This information may be helpful to parents of young children, but these groups take their mission to an extreme. Thus, a family friendly film was reported as 'containing upper frontal nudity' for a scene that was nothing more than grade school boys wrestling with their shirts off."

"Unfortunately, Christian isolationists even base their movie recommendations on the perceived morality, or lack thereof, in the private lives of the actors of a film."

"For example, some Christians slammed the 2006 release, End of the Spear for this reason, even though it was considered a Christian film with box office potential. The film had everything going for it to be recommended in Christian circles:

A true life story of martyred Christian missionaries.
A well-made move dealing with Christian themes of love and forgiveness.
Winner of the grand prize for dramatic feature at the Heartland Film Festival.
Great acting.
Christian individuals and companies were integrally involved in the production of the movie.

So what was the buzz in the Christian community surrounding this film? Critical acclaim with 'must see' recommendation? Sadly, no. In the days before its release, some narrow-minded Christians were complaining that the actor chosen to portray dual lead roles had been terribly miscast. Were these Christians complaining that the actor lacked sufficient acting chops? Hardly. No, the criticism had nothing to do with his acting but everything to do with hiss homosexuality. On the very day of the film's release, when Christians should have been flocking to the film with their family and friends (Christian and non) and later discussing the faith-centered themes of the movie, many of them were reading the following press release from the president of one of America's leading Christian denominations."

(at this point, the author's publish the whole press release, where its author actually says that watching Ian McKellan in Lord of the Rings and Eric Liddel (a gay man) in Chariots of Fire was fine because at the time he was unaware of their homosexuality so the associations never crossed his mind.)

"I can't help but shake my head at the irony. The spokesman states that he could enjoy Chariots of Fire because he didn't know the lead actor was a homosexual. So why does he issue a press release advertising the fact that Chad Allen is a homosexual, thereby making End of the Spear supposedly unwatchable to the multitude of Christians who might not have otherwise known this fact?"

"Some Christians are so afraid of Hollywood that they try to construct an alternate universe, just like Hollywood but without the grit."

"When a theological agenda is the first and primary element in a film project, the script and cinematography are only secondary. In other words, the film may make a clear statement but it may be a failure as an artistic work. But many Christian loyalists will support even a bad film if it has been christened by Christians. The moviemakers can get away with it only because they are preaching to the choir.. But if they want to get their message to anyone outside their holy huddle, they should work on the script and cinematography first. If they don’t do that well, non-Christians and discriminating Christians won't stay in their seats long enough to hear the message."

Scott Derrickson was the writer and director of the Exorcism of Emily Rose and Urban Legends: Final Cut, among other projects. You might be surprised that these films and others in the slasher genre were the work of a guy who studied at a Christian university before attending USC School of Cinematic Arts. Scott is a thoughtful Christian and an artistic filmmaker; he is not the kind I have trouble with. We asked him how a Christian worldview can be brought into a film with the intent of affecting culture. Here is how he answered:

Anybody who approaches the creative process with that sort of agenda is destined to thwart good creativity. You end up writing propaganda and not something that is going to be irresistible. Some of my favorite films are about honesty and truthfulness and you can't help but be absorbed in them and find tremendous value. Christians have been guilty of not doing that."

"Some of the radical Christians who are trying to promote their own films in an anti-Hollywood universe think they are making a difference, but they are only fooling themselves. They have an inflated opinion if their importance in the culture because they are too isolated to know what's really happening."

"Christ's exhortation for Christians to be salt and light means that they must stop thinking and acting as if their faith (exercised in church) and their job (performed at the workplace) are disconnected. This is particularly true for Christians who have a passion for film production. They need an integrated view of life and should realize that they can be Christian in their occupation without making a Christian labeled film."

"Do you wonder why the powers that be in Hollywood almost uniformly portray Christians in a negative way? Perhaps they only know Christians who behave in a negative way. Maybe they have no experience with thoughtful, articulate and genuine members of the Christian faith who exhibit kindness instead of evoking disgust."

"Believers who are upset that Hollywood does not portray Christians in a favorable manner should put down their placards, stop the protests and call off the boycotts. It’s time to try an approach that might please God rather than embarrass him. How about working in the film or television industry and giving the movers and shakers a completely different impression of what a Christian is?"

"Some people say America is a Christian nation because the founding fathers were Christians.
lf by "Christian" you mean a person who believes in a personal God who exists apart from his created world, but is at the same time involved in it, then this would be a false statement. For the most part, the founding fathers were deists. They believed in God but did not believe he was involved in the world. God created the universe, but then stepped back to let it run on its own. For example, Thomas Jefferson was not only a deist but also a naturalist. He once famously edited the New Testament, deleting all the supernatural events, including Jesus' miracles."

"The truth is that the signers of the Declaration of Independence and the framers of the U.S. Constitution drew more from the ideas of the Enlightenment than from the Bible."

"Some Christians say American is a Christian nation because the majority of its citizens call themselves Christians. Bingo! Here is one you can check off as true. Most surveys shows that nearly 75 percent of Americans call themselves Christians."

"But somehow that statistic is a little unsettling, mainly because of the meaning of the word 'Christian.' Historically the world has meant 'Christ-like.' With that in mind, I think we would be stretched to believe that 75 percent of Americans – roughly 225 million people – are living out the teachings of Christ."

"The word Christian has become so diluted and to some, so offensive, that many people who have made the decision to follow Christ are choosing to call themselves 'Christ followers' or 'Fully devoted followers of Christ.' Presumably these are people who desire to be like Christ but are embarrassed by all the negative baggage that has come to be associated with the word 'Christian.'"

"Many people who call themselves Christians – Evangelical or not – often do things that are at odds with what they say they believe. Even more, their behavior is not consistent with what Christ taught and the way he lived. To put it bluntly, many Christians flat-out give Christ a bad name."

"In the beginning, fundamentalism was a good thing. At least at the beginning of the 20th century. That's when the word 'fundamental' when applied to belief, meant, 'foundational' or 'basic.' It still means that in every other field except for religion, where the word has taken on all sorts of negative baggage. Let me tell you have happened to the word fundamental."

"It got a bad reputation. Rather than using fundamental truths of Scripture as a way to draw people to Christ, certain Christians of influence (mostly preachers) began using them as way to measure and criticize those who didn't thoroughly believe them."

"In addition to requiring that people believe a certain way, the fundamentalists demanded that good Christians also behave certain ways: You couldn't drink, dance, smoke, gamble, see movies, watch television or associate with Lutherans. Anyone who did these things was a backslider or a carnal Christian. You may have noticed that premarital sex wasn't on that list. That's because dancing was prohibited and as every good Christian knows, if you don't dance, you won't have sex."

"The classic image of a fundamentalist Bible thumping preacher, pointing his bony finger at anyone who doesn't toe the line has faded somewhat. But some Christians still think the only way to please God and get to Heaven is to believe an extensive grid of doctrinal details and to behave according to a long list of spiritual do's and don'ts."

"The way I look at it, having a relationship with God is kind of like being married. Just because you tie the knot doesn't mean you stop learning about your spouse. Marriage is a lifelong process of getting to know the one you love better and better. So it is with God."

Quotes...again

2008-07-23T21:33:22Z

I have more quotes, most from the chapters entitled:

I'm Fine With God, but I Can't Stand Christians Who Think They are Correctly Right and Everyone Else is Wrongly Left

and

I'm Fine With God, but I Can't Stand Christians Who Think Science is the Enemy

and then there are a couple from the God Wants You To Be Rich chapter (which I'm still reading).

"I say all of this to reinforce the notion that keeping politics and religion out of certain conversations was a good idea then and it's probably a good idea now, especially if we are to remain on speaking terms with friends and relatives and, on occasion, perfect strangers. Even more, it's a good idea because the volatile mix of politics and religion can easily create a vapor cloud that may keep someone from getting close to God."

"That's not to say that politics and religion never belong in the same conversation. In fact, to keep them out of the public discourse is to deny the experience of two of the most basic qualities found in the human experience – law and faith. Many people believe they both come from God. If that's the case (and I think it is), then we should be able to talk about them in ways that helps us get a better handle on our world, our culture and the way we interact with both in ways that are helpful and healthy."

"As I think about it now, especially in light of the deep divisions that have developed between the red states and the blue states, I'm not so sure that designation, which we have all gotten used to, is all that helpful. In fact, it might even be destructive. The outspoken pundits on both sides rarely promote helpful and healthy dialogs and beneficial debates, whether in the political or the religious arena. It's all yelling and finger pointing with accusations flying. It's all about being right, which means the other side is clearly wrong. Meeting together in a kind of demilitarized middle zone, where people can love and respect one another while holding opposing opinions, is rare."

"I'm going to go out on a very long limb and say something that may upset some people. I believe we red state people started the current war between the states. Even more specifically, I'm referring to the members of the religious right, which includes a whole lot of Christians. We fired the first shots because we thought the other side was our enemy, or worse, the enemy of God and America."

"For a politician to espouse family values is one thing. I'm all for it. The family is God's idea. We need to do all we can to protect and preserve it and sometimes that means creating laws that do just that. I am convinced that red state and blue state people can agree on this principle, although we may disagree on the methods. But when certain red state people of great influence claim that they are speaking for God, they create problems. Mutual trust turns into suspicion and disagreements become fights. After all, how do you argue with someone who claims to have a direct link with the Almighty whether it is tethered to a vision or to a certain way of reading the Bible? A claim like that puts people who don't believe in God - and more than a few people who do - on the defensive and before long, they push back."

"Rather than responding to our enemies with love and compassion, many of us in the heat of battle, fall back on the old defense: 'well at least I'm not going to Hell!' Whether we merely think that or openly express it, finding comfort in that concept is both shameful and unbiblical."

"Lots of people who judge others and their behavior end up falling into the same sin they are protesting. Whenever you hear about the moral failure of well-known religious leaders and political figures, don't be surprised. But neither should you gloat. Don't get all self-righteous. Pray for them and their families."

"The prophets were not hung up on when the heavens and the earth were created and neither were the apostles. Why are we? We know the who (which is very specific) and we know the how (which is less specific) but we really don't know the when. God could have created the heavens and the earth in six days (hey, he could have done it in six seconds!) and he could have don’t it in six billion years. God isn't bound by time."

"Our goal should be to engage people with the truth, not to hammer them over the head with it. And in our engagement, we need to be gentle and respectful (1 Peter 3:15), not arrogant and demeaning."

"Science is not on a quest to disprove God and the Bible and scientists for the most part, are not opposed to God. They are certainly not our enemies. Yes, some scientists and science writers have taken it upon themselves to remove God from the origins discussion, but most scientists don’t feel the need to oppose God. Like George Smoot, they are truth seekers who are open to the implications proposed by their discoveries. What they don't like – indeed what nobody likes – are Christians who box themselves into a corner by defending to the death, peripheral and unverifiable ideas about God and his world."

"Christians who do not agree with the views of scientific creationism are not opposed to scripture. Rather, they are refraining from interpreting the Bible's description of creation in one specific way and squeezing scientific evidence into it. These open minded Christians realize that both the Bible and the universe must be interpreted in a manner which does not contradict any of the actual facts contained in the combined whole."

"One preacher has even gone on record as saying, 'Jesus wore designer clothes. I mean, you didn't get the stuff he wore off the rack. No, this was custom stuff. It was the kind of garment that kings and rich merchants wore.' In light of this apparent gap in mental competency, ministry staffers may be busy looking for a photograph of Jesus in a three piece suit to prove their pastor's assertion of Christ's fashion savvy."

"Maybe I'm cynical only because I'm a Christian whose not getting any if this get rich quick action. However, I prefer to think that I'm unconvinced because I have a brain and because I can't stand Christians who portray Christianity as a 'show me the money' religion."

Quote time

2008-07-23T05:24:42Z

Under the cut...

In regards to some Christians who see Halloween, drinking beer and saying "Happy Holidays" as being morally offensive…

"Nothing would be wrong with Christians holding these opinions if they could keep it to themselves. Our culture has no gripe against people adhering to different lifestyles. We have no problem assimilating Tibetan monks, astrologers and vegans into our culture. For the most part, these groups don't try to assert moral dominance over the other. But some Evangelical Christians presumptuously assume that their morality is the only correct one and that all other behavioral standards or codes of conduct are consequently wrong, flawed and immoral."

"Was Jesus indifferent to immorality? No, but he didn't evaluate people on the basis of their rap sheet or curriculum vibe. To him, every person, regardless of his or her moral mess-ups, was full of worth and value."

In regards to Matthew 5:13-15…

"People are attracted to salt and light by their own volition. Something is appealing about the taste of salt or the brilliance of the light that makes people desire more. That's how God wants Christians to behave. He wants their lives (their behavior and attitudes) to be so attractive and engaging that people are drawn to Christians on their own initiative. These verses to not advocate cramming a five pound bag of salt pellets down someone's throat. And they don't suggest that unsuspecting non-Christians be figuratively blinded by a halogen searchlight stuck in front of their eyes. Instead, Christians should live a life that is distinguished by their light and flavor in society without inflicting force and aggression on others."

"People can choose to leave the salt shaker on the table. Maybe they prefer their food to be sodium-free. Christians need to learn to let others ask them to pass the salt."

"Most lights are controlled by a switch. If the glare from the switch becomes annoying, the light can be turned off. Some Christians need an off switch because they’re already annoying."

"I was raised in one of those legalistic Christian households. Plays cards were prohibited because people used those 'toys of the devil' for gambling. Other card games were permissible but not the kind of playing cards used by sinners. My mother was apparently worried that if we had a regular deck of playing cards in the house, I would grow up to be a professional gambler and my sisters would wind up being blackjack dealers at a strip club in Las Vegas. But I still managed to become a pretty good poker player with our Go Fish cards."

"This chapter focuses on the Christians who realize they’ve lost the battle, so they want to withdraw from society (and take God with them) because everything in society is so dangerously evil."

"The paranoia of many Christians has caused them to circle their wagons. They are so afraid of imaginary evils that they keep their eyes closed and miss the good that is happening in society without them (and sometimes despite them)."

"Though these believers are living inside a cocoon, don't think they've lost their fighting spirit They can be as hostile as ever but now much of their fighting is directed at one another. The Christian army seems to be the only army in the world whose soldiers shoot at each other – on purpose. Their battles rage over issues that are monumental to them but the rest of the world hears these arguments and laughs over the apparent triviality of it all:

Were the six days of creation actual 24 hour days or longer periods of time?

Should baptizing be accomplished by body dunking or head sprinkling?

The entire emergent church movement is out of control because young upstarts are beginning to question tenents of the Christian faith.

Should the liquid at Communion be wine or grape juice?

Should the choir wear robes or street clothes/?

Church music has become too traditional and depressing: those old fashioned hymns have to go.

Church music has become too influenced by the devil music of the culture. Get the drums and electric guitars off the platform and let's get back to worshipping God the way the Lord intended it – with a pipe organ and singing out of the hymnal.

The general populace takes these disputes as further and final confirmation that plenty of Christians are out of touch with the real world."

In regards to the Christians who pop their heads out of the sand long enough to rant at people before going back into hiding…

"Because these cloistered Christians haven't been active on the front lines of social debates, they usually don't make very good impressions when they try to engage non-Christians in a battle of wits. In fact, they usually come across as desperate and mean-spirited. Instead of presenting a coherent argument on the merits of an issue, they simply invoke God's wrath and judgment on their opponent."

"Whether the Christian arguments have any validity doesn’t matter. The fact remains that their protestations are not being heard. No one is listening. Contemporary society views most Christians as unaware and ill-informed outsiders who are so removed from the culture that they are out of touch with it."

In regards to Christians using the "in not of the world" scripture as an excuse to remove themselves from all things "worldly"…

"This interpretation misses the point and promotes a false doctrine of separation."

"If Jesus wants Christians to go into the world just as he went into the world, then he wants Christians to be hanging out with sinners, the homeless and the outcasts of society. He wants them befriending the prostitutes, the tax cheaters and the good ole boys. But he doesn't want them pretending to be religious and segregating themselves from the general public."

"Christians make a huge mistake when they think God wants them to be segregated from society and huddled in their own holy communes. Salvation is not about being relocated away from society; it's about being transformed on the inside."

"Of course he doesn't want Christians copying the immoral behavior and conduct of the world, but living in the world (and coming into contact with non-Christians) won't be a problem if they have truly transformed their outlook to conform to God's principles."

"Instead of removing Christians from their problems and circumstances, salvation gives them a spiritual perspective so that they can deal with those situations. And if Christians get with God's program, they won't have to be so paranoid about the world's influences. By staying tuned to God's wavelength, Christians should be able to handle exposure to a non-Christian environment without an irrational fear of being infected by it."

Oh goodness....

2008-05-02T23:03:47Z

Squee! This is from season 2 which is now airing and I plan on flying through season 1 so that I can catch up. Like I said....squee!!!!

But I want to kick myself too, lol. On Demand had been showing the first season but I never paid attention because I kept thinking, "oh Robin Hood...boring" hahaha. I never could get into Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves or even Robin Hood: Men in Tights so I really thought this would just be another Robin Hood that I wouldn't "get" and then I watched the preview just because I was bored and a bit curious...and came away thinking, "damn, I should have actually tried watching this when the first season was playing." lol

Yay!

2008-05-02T21:16:12Z

I haven't bought anything on eBay in years, but I gave in today and won Robin Hood - season 1 on DVD. And I wound up getting it for only $31 (includes S&H). It retails between $60 and $80 so I got a good deal. :)

I just hope it's as good as what I have seen on On Demand. :)

I am on a list for it at the library but there is one copy in circulation and I am #40 for season 1 (and #3 for season 2...so I'll probably get that one sooner, lol). It would probably take me forever to get it and I couldn't find it at the video store, so I decided to give in and try eBay.

So, I am a happy camper.

And I like this youtube video I found...

expressionsofme @ 2008-04-22T20:59:00

2008-04-23T01:10:57Z

I am going to try something different and describe each of tonight's performances...

SYESHA - Fun, Sassy, Surprising

JASON - Sweet, Uncomfortable, Odd

BROOKE - Pretty, Tense, Nervous

DAVID A - Sweet, Different, Boring

CARLY - Fun, Unexpected, Powerful

DAVID COOK - Beautiful, Shocking, Dramatic

Now, I'll use more words....

I was really surprised at Syesha. I didn't expect her or that song to be that good.

Jason disappointed me but he gets mad props for best video of the night. I loved the whole video with him and Webber. My favorite quotes:

"I didn't know that a cat was singing it..."

"I'm really nervous...this is kind of a popular song."

I feel so bad for Brooke, but I may download the studio version off of itunes because I think it can be very pretty and moving. I just think that messing up at the beginning caused her to seriously fall on her face. It's pretty bad when Paula is speechless. ((((wants to hug Brooke)))

David A bored me. He wasn't bad or anything. It was good, but I prefer the original way too much so hearing a pop version is gonna take some getting used to. The boy can sing, but I kinda wish he would have just sang it the way it is originally sung. I understand wanting to take a risk, but I would have loved to have heard him really belt that one out as a power ballad. He also kinda forgot the lyrics but at least he covered that up much better than poor Brooke.

Carly was unexpected. I mean, I knew she was going to sing that song but I didn't realize how much it would fit her.

David shocked me. Seriously. I was so worried he would either make a huge mistake by turning that into a rock song or that his voice wouldn't be able to handle singing it the original way. But he proved that he really can sing anything. Some may say I am being biased but I thought he was one of the best of the night. I also loved his video with Webber especially when Webber says, "think of me as a 17 year old girl" and David said something like, "Uh...but I'm 25 so I don't think that would work." LMAO

BOTTOM 2: Jason and Brooke
GOING HOME: Gosh, I love them both, but I'd like to see Brooke next week so I pick Jason

BEST OF THE NIGHT: David (like, duh, lol) and Syesha

Added music to my journal....

2008-04-16T13:29:35Z

You can make a playlist and add it to your journal so it plays music whenever someone visits.

Here is mine...

ETA: I changed it so it no longer autostarts because that was beginning to annoy even me, lol

Day Three of Washington D.C.

2008-04-08T01:13:13Z

Okie dokie, here is the story and pictures behind my final day in D.C....

I got up at 6am to get ready for the White House (although technically, I was never really asleep) and if I were to describe the rooms we saw at the White House, one word comes to mind...gaudy. Almost everyone agreed that this was the most disappointing part of our trip.

They need a visit from Extreme Home Makeover because while the rooms look really nice online, in pictures and on television, they don't look that grand up close. I was more impressed with the beautiful chandeliers and all the portraits on the walls.

I'm still glad I went, but we spend probably 10-15 minutes actually in the White House. It didn't take that long to go through it. We spent a longer time waiting in line to get inside (about 30-45 minutes)…and then I set off the metal detectors, hehe. After we exited the White House, we look at each other and said, "that's it?" because it went by so fast. Everyone said that they couldn't believe that you have to get your Congressman to set up the tour for you when all you do is spend a few minutes inside.

I didn't hate it as much as other people did. I mean, how many people can say they actually walked inside the White House? And I like at least knowing what it's like inside. And I did get something out of it…but yeah, a couple of the rooms were definitely gaudy, like the red room with the red walls, red carpet and matching red furniture…and you could tell that the fabric on the walls was falling apart (it wasn't wallpaper or paint; it was definitely some sort of fabric). The Red Room looks cool online (as well as the Blue Room) but up close all that color just seems like too much.

Although the girls and I decided that being hot must be one of the requirements to be a male secret service agent, lol. Seriously...they were about our age (maybe slightly older) and hot. Oh my. That was worth seeing. :) And call me crazy, but I had no idea there were women secret service agents...but there are. That was cool to see. :)

Afterwards, we came back, checked out of the hotel around noon and went to the National Mall where we had our free time.

I took off on my own and headed for the Holocaust Museum. However, you have to reserve a spot to get in and the next opening was at 3:15. Since it was 1pm and we were leaving at 4pm, that wasn't going to work, so I opted instead to go see the free exhibit: Daniel's Story which totally moved me and makes me want to go back sometime and definitely check out the rest of the museum (click the link to see the photos from there). I then went to the gift shop where I bought a ton of stuff. They had so many books and DVD's and other items. I went a bit crazy in there, lol. So at least I got something out of it and walking all the way there wasn't a waste.

I then decided to walk towards the monuments and memorials. They were about a mile away from the bus, but I walked to the WWII Memorial which was awesome, the Washington Monument, the Vietnam Wall and the Lincoln Memorial. At the Vietnam Wall, a group of veterans were getting a picture taken in front of one of the statues and I, along with many others, decide to take a picture of them as well. It was a GREAT scene. I also found the Vietnam Women's Memorial statue which was gorgeous.

Afterwards I was about to walk back to the bus when "duh!" I remembered the Lincoln Memorial which was right next to the Wall. I can't believe I almost forgot about it, lol. So I walked up allll of those steps even though my legs hurt like hell and I was so hot, only to get to the top and hear someone say, "let's take the elevator down." ELEVATOR? Huh? There's an elevator?!!!! Ugh!!!! LOL. But I took some great shots and walked back down the steps cause I was too lazy to walk to the elevator.

Then I started back towards the bus.

I'm walking and walking and walking and I planned to use the Washington Monument as the midway point. That was where I could say "okay, I'm half way to the bus now" and I figured it would help me to not get lost. All I had to do (or so I thought) was walk to the monument and then keep going straight until I get to Madison Avenue where the bus is. Easier said than done.

So I'm walking and walking and although I knew the Monument was like, a mile away from the Lincoln Memorial, I felt like it was taking so much longer to get back to the Monument. So as I'm walking...and walking...and walking...I look up, and there is the Lincoln Memorial. My first thought was, "wait a minute, I was just here." I look around (there is this huge body of water between the monument and memorial) and realize I was now on the opposite side of the body of water from where I started out on. In other words, I had just walked in one huge circle from the Memorial to the monument and although I thought I was going straight, I somehow wound up walking around the monument and back towards the Lincoln Memorial. Ugh!

So I turn around and head back to the monument again, but this time I start asking for directions. Nobody knew where 15th street was (that was where the Holocaust Museum was and I knew if I could get to there, I could find the bus). Then some Asian girl stopped me and asked if I could take her picture in front of the monument. I was hot, feeling dizzy from the heat and felt like passing out but being the nice person that I am, I smiled and said "sure!". Finally one police woman told me I was going in the right direction but I had to walk to the left side of the monument (I had decided to try turning right cause going straight was only causing me to walk in a circle, apparently). See, the Monument pretty much looks the same no matter what side your on, hence the reason I will never use it again to help me figure out where I am, lol

I walked to the left. On and on and on I walked. I was so confused, lol. I then asked a crossing guard and he was like, "You're on Madison right now" and I thought to myself, "THANK YOU GOD!" lol. So I walked on Madison for probably a half a mile to a mile or so until I finally got to the bus. I swear it felt like I had walked 10 miles in three hours and with me getting lost, I probably did, LOL

It was a lovely day. The sun was shining and it was probably over 70 degrees; however, it was cold in the morning and I had on a long sleeved shirt, a sweater and then my jacket which I didn't change out of before we checked out because I didn't think it would get so hot outside. I slowly stripped during my utter confusion of trying to get back to the bus, lol

Here are some pictures...

World War II Memorial...

The Vietnam Wall (including some vets)...

The Vietnam Women's Memorial...

The Lincoln Memorial and Washington Monument...

Day two of Washington D.C.

2008-04-07T02:15:26Z

Okay, here are some photos and the story behind our adventure on Friday (including how we wound up with a bunch of guys in our hotel room, lol)...don't forget to check out my video on the post below. I finally got it working on youtube. :)

FRIDAY – APRIL 3rd

AGENDA: Smithsonian Magazine, politico.com and all kinds of other random stuff

Okay, so I woke up at 8:30 a.m. on Friday just in time to see the New Kids on the Block reunion on the Today show. My one roommate, Karine, was still in the room. Our other two roommates had to leave earlier because their group (Broadcasting) had to go to the Associated Press at like, 7 a.m. So Karine and I watched NKOTB and reminisced. I was like, "You know how, when you're 12, you're embarrassed by those older women at boy band concerts who act crazy and you think you would never act like that at their age?" and Karine laughed and said, "Yeah, and now we are those women!" LOL

We're totally buying their new album when it comes out, lol. I loved the clip that they played. :)

Here is what's sad: I read in USA Today on Friday that Clay Aiken has a new album coming out in May and I thought, "Hmm, that's nice. Maybe I'll eventually get it" but when I heard NKOTB say that they had a new album coming out in the summer, my reaction was, "Squee! I so want that!" LOL

Then Karine left to go with her PR group and I left with the print people and the photojournalism people to go to Smithsonian Magazine.

I bought a day pass at the Metro subway for only 7.80. It was either that or pat 2.45 every single time I entered and exited the subway. I didn't know how much subway riding I'd do, but in the end I saved money because I would up entering and exiting ten times. I've never ridden a subway that much in my life, lol

At the Smithsonian Magazine we met with the Managing Editor and some of the other editors. The print folks and the photojournalists split up into two groups. My people (the print people) spoke with the Magazine Editor and the two editors in charge of internships. We talked a lot about query letters, freelancing, what they look for in freelancers and interns, what to put in cover letters and on resumes, how to gain experience, etc. It really reiterated a lot of what I learned in Magazine Article Writing this semester.

Afterwards we went to lunch and then hopped on the subway to visit Politico.com where we got free tote bags from the politico people. :) We got a tour of the newsroom and then sat down with the two young journalists who left their positions at the Washington Post to start up Politico. They were a tad on the arrogant side. On one hand, it was interesting but then they started to kinda slam citizen journalists and considering a lot of my Directed Readings has dealt with citizen journalists, I wanted to cringe. Dr. Moretti had even said sometime later that he thought they were a bit arrogant. I mean, how they stared Politico is fascinating and much of what they said interested me but towards the end I got a bit annoyed with them, lol. But it is interesting to see how conservatives and liberals both quote from Politco. Ever since I found out that we were coming here, I began noticing more and more that when the major networks like CNN and Fox talk to "experts" in their political stories, many of the journalists they talk to are from Politco.

Heck, even Rush Limbaugh has quoted them, lol. That surprised me since, even though I recognize that they do remain unbiased in their reporting and are the true fair and balanced reporters, I just assumed that the conservatives would still hate them because they tend to do that with new, young reporters (since they always assume that they must be liberal, lol).

Then we went upstairs to the news studio where the local news station shoots its show and where Politco is going to begin shooting their very own television news show. It was cool to see all the cameras and the green screen and to see the desk where the newscasters sit. We met with one of those editors as well as their video blogger. Both of them were a lot of fun. Their video blogger started out by posting his own videos onto youtube just because he was bored in his dorm room and everyone else was posting to youtube. Before he knew it, the people from Politico contacted him and asked if he wanted a job with them. :)

After Politco we hopped the subway to go meet everyone else for pizza. On the way there, I found a copy of The Onion. I didn't even know there was a print edition, lol. :) After the pizza, we went our separate ways. I wound up hopping the subway and going with a bunch of people (mostly the photojournalists) to Arlington National Cemetery where I saw the gravesites of JFK and RFK, the tomb of the unknown soldier and the changing of the guards. We walked so much that day and so walking around the cemetery was such a pain since most of it consisted of walking uphill. But I got a lot of great shots.

Then some of them went to the monuments and I went back on the subway with the rest of our group, to the hotel. I didn't plan on going out anymore even though it was only 7pm. DC isn't like NYC where you can pretty much walk wherever you wanna go. I mean, whenever I stayed in NYC, we were always in the theater district where you can walk to your shows, the shops, restaurants, etc. There weren't any shops or anything near our hotel to walk to, so I didn't walk around the area where our hotel was, except for when I went to Starbucks.

I took a very nice, long bubble bath and put my pajamas on and watched some of LOTR on television. Karine came back with Natalie and Jesse (my other roomies) and were planning to go out again. I wasn't going to go anywhere since my feet and legs hurt and I was tired of the subway. But then they decided to go to TGIF Fridays which was only few blocks away. I decided to go get dressed and come along. Danny also came with us. He is a very flamboyant gay guy, lol. He had me cracking up most of the time were were there.

At TGIF I got an Ultimate Electric Lemonade (SKYY Vodka, sweet & sour and a jolt of blue curacao). Now, for those of you who don't know, I rarely drink. My last drink was two years ago. I drink once every one or two years. I hate beer and wine and stuff like that, but I like the fancier drinks that include fruit juices and all that good stuff. I found it hilarious that it took me two and a half hours to drink that and meanwhile, everyone else was on their fourth and fifth margaritas, lol. Eventually, other people from our journalism group, who we saw walking by, began joining us. It started out with five of us and turned into 8 or 9.

Then I decided to do a shot with everyone. It was supposed to be a shot of upside down pineapple cake (whatever that is...Karine ordered it) but according to Karine, what we wound up with was a lemon drop. It was okay. Nothing spectacular.

At midnight I decided to walk back to the hotel with a couple of the girls because it was obvious everyone else planned to stay until the place closed and then would continue to party. We had to get up at 6 a.m. for the White House so some of us wanted to try and get some sleep.

I went straight to bed but never did fall asleep. I don't know if it was the fact that I had been drinking, but I couldn't fall asleep even though I felt exhausted.

Around 3 a.m. my roomies came back and Karine was so wasted. I pretended to be asleep as she talked and talked and talked on and on and on and was so loud and obnoxious. Then before I knew it, she gets a call, leaves and comes back with Ken. I remember lying there and thinking, "Oh no, please don't bring a party in here" but then I heard her offer him her part of the bed to sleep on (which was right next to me…not that I can't sleep next to a guy but I laid there thinking, "what the hell is going on?") but he refused and wound up sleeping in the chair.

Then two more guys came in to check on him and I could tell from everyone's tone that something had happened and that's why Ken was there.

I still continued to pretend to be sleeping, lol. Ken was like, "Shhh, she's trying to sleep" and Karine said, "Maggi can sleep through anything. She's out right now" lol…little did she know, heh

Then those two guys left and later on, there's another knock at the door. It’s two other guys who, before I knew it, were making their beds on the floor.

Meanwhile, I'm still pretending to sleep, lol

Karine talked to Ken, giving him her whole life story it seemed, lol. She is definitely an obnoxious drunk.

Finally, around 5am, she made another comment about me sleeping and being out, and I blurted out, "actually, I've been awake this whole time."

All the girls began howling, lol. They all really thought I was asleep and Natalie and Jess couldn't believe I hadn't hit Karine. They must think I have a lot of patience, lol. Meanwhile, all the guys were very quiet and somber. I definitely thought something odd was going on.

The next day, after all the guys left the room, I found out what happened.

Ken was rooming with Danny (the gay guy). Danny had been drinking a lot at TGIF (like 6 or 7 drinks) and then continued to party with everyone else until 3am. He was really smashed. Well, he began hitting on Ken (who is totally straight) and tried kissing his feet! That's why Ken wound up in our room. And I don't blame him!

Then the other two guys had been rooming with someone else who had gotten so drunk that he began puking on everything. They just wanted to get away from him and the puke, so they came to our room. Again, I can't blame them. No wonder all the guys seemed so somber.

I did fall asleep sometime after 5am but it wasn't a deep sleep. It was probably a good thing everyone did keep me awake all night because if I had gone into a deep sleep, I would have had one hell of a time getting up in time for the White House. I would have been too out of it.

Now on to the pictorial....

Arlington National Cemetery...

John F. Kennedy and Jackie O and RFK...

A View of the Lincoln Memorial from on top of the cemetery...

On the way to the tomb of the unknown soldier...

The tomb and the changing of the guards...

An American Soldier

2008-04-07T00:01:56Z

I'm still working on my photos from Friday's adventure so no story on that day just yet! However, I did take some video of the guard at the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetery and decided to put some clips together, add some music and make a tribute video. Enjoy...

First posting about our D.C. Trip

2008-04-06T04:10:56Z

I guess I'm awake after all! So here we go...

THURSDAY – APRIL 3rd

Agenda: MOUNT VERNON and Sonny Landreth concert, both located in Virginia

I don't even remember the bus ride there, lol, so let's just fast forward to Mount Vernon, the home of George Washington.

It was rainy and crappy and freezing, as far as weather was concerned. :(

We met with the Director of Media Relations and got an inside look into the behind the scenes activities of the entire place. That was more interesting that I thought it would be. We found out that they actually have a National Treasure exhibit which is offered in March. Mount Vernon was a big part of one of the National Treasure movies so they took advantage of that and created a little exhibit (which included opening up the basement to the public, which is the part of the museum that's in the film) and they opened it at a time when they usually only get hundreds of people a day who visit, and wound up getting thousands a day, so they turned the exhibit into an annual, month long event. I really want to come back sometime and see that!

I guess it never dawned on me that Mount Vernon is a very big plantation. Since it was rainy and so cold outside, I didn't see all that I wanted to see. I took a tour of George Washington's mansion which was very interesting but you couldn't take pictures inside so I wound up buying postcards of some of the rooms inside (better than nothing, heh) and I visited his tomb, but then I got way too cold and went into the museum and educational area which was inside. I watched one of their many interactive movies. It was about the different wars Washington was in and every time a canon fired, the seats vibrated which made it feel as if the ground was shaking and then when it snowed in the film, fake snow rained down on us. Very cool. :)

They have a very interesting section on forensics and they even have Washington's dentures on display. They brought in a team of forensic scientists to figure out what Washington really looked like. It's like, Forensic Files meets history. :)

We had a great dinner at the Mount Vernon inn and that was when it began to pour like crazy outside.

I really want to go back sometime. Seriously. This place interested me so much and I was tempted to go buy a book in the gift shop that I had seen, on Martha Washington but it was $15 and it's probably cheaper on half.com. But it really got me interested in Washington and there is so much on the plantation to see and so many parts of the education center and museum that I didn't get to.

And the orientation movie that you watch is so awesome. Okay, so it starts out with Pat Sajak giving a few words while dressed up in 1700's garb, lol, but then it goes into a short film that wasn't like some regular old, boring orientation video. It had actual actors who were very talented and it had a storyline and awesome/believable battle scenes. I loved it.

Then it was on to the concert.

We saw Sonny Landreth, which is Eric Clapton-type music. And luckily, it was indoors! It was one of the best things we did on our trip. It’s not usually my kind of music, but it turned out to be pretty awesome.

But it got crazy.

They should not serve alcohol to people, lol.

The one guy from my group, who had one too many beers, began randomly screaming throughout the show even though he had no idea who Sonny was. He was like, "Sonny! You rock!" and my favorite, "Hey drummer, you rock too!" LOL. Sonny even said at one point, "I take it they're serving alcohol tonight" LOL

While some people hollered off and on during the show, this guy in my group was just randomly screaming things like "I love you!" lol.

And even though the music was upbeat at times, everyone remained seating.

Then, it happened.

Somewhere along the way, my Editorial professor from last semester (Steve) and my advisor for Directed Readings this semester (Heather) got up, in front of everyone, up at the front of the stage, and began to dance. When I first saw them running up to the front of the stage, I had to do a double take. I was thinking, "Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?" I thought maybe they were going to exit through the doors to get a drink. I didn't expect them to start dancing, lol

Now, this is a very small place. It only seats 300 so it wasn't hard to see these two dancing like crazy teenagers in front of the stage. They were all over the floor and Steve was twirling Heather around…and um, they even did some bumping and grinding which was…unusual to see your professors do (esp. since they're like, married to other people, lol).

Then it caught fire. Soon, everyone in our group was up at the stage, dancing and screaming to the music. Sonny kept thanking us, lol. I don't know if he's used to seeing people come to his shows and act like we did. Then I noticed that some of the people in the audience who weren't with our group, had also gotten up and began dancing, lol. It was like we totally started something!

After Sonny and the band left the stage, our group began chanting "Encore! Encore! We want Sonny!" and then, the entire place slowly began to follow suit as groups of people began chanting "Sonny! Sonny!" until everyone was screaming it, lol and they came out and did an encore. Heh

Apparently our group is really good at getting people excited, LOL

So many in our group were wasted. After the show we headed to the hotel in D.C. to check in (we were still in Virginia at this point), and Jesse was telling us about this song and dance called "Doin the butt" so he demonstrated how to do the dance which included sticking your butt out and singing, "doin the butt" lol. Everyone was howling and then for some reason, our entire bus began to sing, as loudly as possible, "We are the champions" LOL.

I, for the record, was completely sober ~~until Friday~~ .

We went to the hotel, checked in, and then my roomies and I (all of whom I loved and got along with) fell asleep once our heads hit the pillows. The beds were soooo comfortable! I usually wake up at least once during the night but I slept all the way through, from about 11pm until 8:30 Friday morning and if I hadn’t needed to get up, I could have slept for many more hours.

So that was Thursday. Next posting will be about our Friday events. The adventure continued, lol

But here is Mount Vernon, the home of our first President, George Washington...

His mansion which we toured (and it's actually quite small inside. It's not what we would consider a mansion these days)...

Below is the view behind the mansion. I LOVE THIS VIEW. And what's awesome is that here we were, standing in Virginia and as you look across the Potomac, you can see Maryland...

Some cattle on the farm...

Where George and Martha are buried...

Where we ate...

Inside the educational center....

The garden on the plantation...

My first video!!!!

2008-03-31T04:00:30Z

Okay, after finding out how to convert DVD's to the appropriate file, cut clips from those DVD's, use transitions and add music, I was able to make my very own, first ever music video using Windows Movie Maker. This was how I spent my weekend when I should have been doing Directed Readings, lol. Whether you like Prison Break or not, I hope you will watch (and enjoy) the Prison Break music video that I made and uploaded to youtube...

My Testimony

2008-03-30T22:42:24Z

I'm posting my testimony again because I had it in my memories and apparently erased it so I'm posting it again so that I can (hopefully) save it in my memories for good now! So if you've seen/read this before, feel free to ignore it...

I was raised Roman Catholic. I always believed in God and I remember reading Bible stories as a child. I never questioned my belief in God and like most children, I never questioned anything I was taught.

I was bullied by the other kids, beginning in kindergarten and it would go on for years because I went to school with the same bullies year after year (some people never change). I was even bullied by some teachers. One teacher reprimanded me in front of the class when I mispronounced a word when I had to read out loud.

I have no idea to this day, why I was the one who got bullied by everyone. All I can think of is that I was the quiet one and I suppose those are always the easy targets.

I loved my 3rd and 5th grade teachers. When other kids bullied me, they stood up for me and where always saying encouraging things to me. Public schools need more teachers like that.

In 2nd grade I was diagnosed as being allergic to milk and yeast and because of my food allergies I couldn't eat what everyone else ate. I remember the aid who watched us during lunch time always came past me, looked in my lunch box and made snide remarks in front of everyone, about the food I ate.

As the bullying increased (which included one girl taking my head and pounding it into the side of the bus about 5 times), my mom would complain to the school and at one point the principal told my mom that I was the one who needed psychological help.

In the 6th grade my allergies stopped. I believe the Lord healed them completely. However, in their place came panic attacks and being bullied only made things worse. One time I walked into class after having a panic attack and going to the nurse…the entire class (except one boy who stood up for me) began making barfing noises at me. Another time I was accused by both students and teachers of just trying to get attention.

The panic attacks and bullying got so bad that by the end of the 6th grade, my parents pulled me out and began home schooling me. Talk about a lifesaver.

After being taken out of school, I stayed in bed for 3 days and didn't eat anything. I was just so exhausted mentally and physically after going through so many years of crap. I think home schooling saved my life. When I hear about kids committing suicide over bullying or kids gunning down their classmates because they were bullied…I think, "that could have been me."

However, my panic attacks continued. I never knew when they would happen. Just thinking of being in a group of people could throw me into an attack. I could barely go to the mall or even to the movie theater without having one. I hated leaving the house.

During my pre-teens I really began disliking God. I used to put on the Christian TV station and make fun of the Christians with my one friend. Little did she know though that when she wasn't around, I would actually watch the station. There was a show on there geared towards teens that I found interesting because they had drama skits; however I wondered why these people kept quoting the Bible, LOL.

Then I ran across a local show on there called Litemusic which showed Christian music videos (which I didn't know existed). By then I had been listening to Amy Grant's and Michael W. Smith's "cross-over" music. This is why I don't complain when Christian musicians cross over. I see how it worked in my life and how it got me to listen to music I never would have listened to before.

When I was 13, I was a huge New Kids on the Block fan and when I turned on Litemusic for the first time, the host was introducing a group that he called "The Christian version of New Kids on the Block." I was like, "what?" and then he said that this was a rap group and again, I was like, "Huh?" because I had no idea there was such a thing as Christian rap or rock. I was so ready to make fun of whoever this group was.

The group was dcTalk. The song/video was "Nu Thang." First, I admit it...I thought they were cute. LOL. But I LOVED the song/video so much that I asked my mom to take me to the Christian bookstore for the cassette, to which she asked me if I was feeling well, lol.

I continued to watch Litemusic and was introduced to more Christian music, like Petra, White Cross and Whiteheart. I wound up going to dcTalk's Nu Skool Jam Tour, my first Christian concert, which featured an opening act by the name of the Newsboys. =D

Another group I was into was Novella (they have since broken up). On July 31st, 1992 I went to one of their concerts at a church. It was during the concert that they gave an alter call.

I was the only one who accepted the call…kinda embarrassing at the time because I hated being the center of attention. Anyway, that night I made a commitment to the Lord.

I attended a local church at the time which occasionally held healing services. At first I didn't want to go to one because I had seen televangelists on TV and didn't want someone whacking me over the head and knocking me over, lol. But it wasn't like that at all. The members of my Bible study were there so they prayed over me. I remember that not one person touched me...when I was slain in the Spirit. It was an amazing experience.

I was 14 years old.

I'm now 31 years old and I haven't had a panic attack since. I knew I was healed when I attended a Michael W. Smith concert (with dcTalk as the opening act) in 1993, not long after the healing service and I didn't have one panic attack and for the first time could really have fun and not worry about getting those horrible feelings that come along with panic attacks.

I went on to become a Theater major…me…the one who couldn't even be around small groups of people without having a panic attack was now performing on stage and Vice President of the Drama Club.

I also loved to write and one day one of my Theater professors pulled me aside (I was in his film class where we had to write a screenplay and analyze films) and he told me I was a talented writer and should look into pursuing that because he rarely had a student who writes like I do.

That same night, before class, I was thinking about how I was graduating soon and didn't know what I was going to do so when he pulled me aside that same night, I knew it wasn't a coincidence. God was using him to help guide me.

My family had very little money so going to a four year school was never talked about as something I could do. I took a leap of faith and decided to give it a try. I went on to get an English degree and now I'm in graduate school, pursuing journalism.

I have done things I never would have thought I'd do and God used even the littlest things to show me that it's okay to just me be.

I've never been an extrovert. I learned that I can be quiet and still have people like me. I don't need to be the talkative, outgoing girl. I learned to enjoy doing things on my own. I missed out on so much because if I couldn't find someone to go to with, I wouldn't go. Not anymore. When the drama club went to NYC, I did things on my own. If I couldn't find someone who wanted to go, I wasn't going to miss out! I'm still amazed that I walked around NYC by myself since at one time, even groups of 20 would freak me out.

I now want to live in NYC one day and I love big cities. :)

I still struggle with insecurity and at times I find myself being a doormat, but God is continuing to work in and through me and I am learning more and more about establishing boundaries and that it's okay to have my own voice and go against the flow and it's okay to stand up for myself (although I am also learning that there are times to speak up and there are times when God wants me to keep my mouth shut because what I want to say isn't necessarily the best thing, lol)

I'm learning to take what I went through and put a positive spin on it, because I can either use my past for good or for evil, so I choose to use it for good.

I have strong feelings towards bullying because of what I went through and if I ever have kids, I will not tolerate any sort of bullying from them.

We have a world full of very angry, hurt kids who have nobody to turn to because people think they just need a thick skin and that bullying is a normal part of life...then we wonder why they turn into angry, bitter, hurtful adults. On a show about bullying, Dr. Phil said, "Hurting people hurt people" and that's definitely the truth. If you have been bullied and were able to "just get over it," consider yourself very blessed because for many, the torment of being bullied can last a lifetime.

As Jodee Blanco says in Please Stop Laughing At Me:

“The bully never remembers; the outcast never forgets.”

Thanks to my relationship with Christ, I'm finally beginning to fully embrace the outcast in me. :) As I read the Bible and learn more about Jesus and his followers, the more I realize that this outcast is in good company. =D